Emotion
by cloudedjunk
Summary: Songfic to BeeGee's Emotion portraying Bex's feelings over whether she can survive life after the rape.


**Emotion**

_It's over and done,_

_But the heartache lives on,  
Inside,_

_And who's the one you're clinging to,_

_Instead of me,  
Tonight?_

I've never wished to change the past, I know it's impossible and what's done is done, but there's still this part of me, this small tiny part hidden deep down in the bottom of my soul that wishes things had been done differently. There's something somewhere inside me that wants my heartbreak to go away. As I walked through my flat, I see shadows of my former self, photographs of me and you, photographs of me and _her_. Even as I speak her name, the venom that she symbolises, sneaks through my veins, chilling my blood and making me freeze. Best friend? Ha! I scoff at the label I was so quick to attach to some-one.

And I'm gutted, deep down totally heartbroken. Because I thought, after you were there for me, after the rape, silly naïve old me believed that there was a chance that we could get back together. Pick up all the pieces of our broken jigsaw and piece them together, bit by bit, in the hope that'll we would be stronger than ever. The funny thing is the irony in all of this drama is that you always said I could trust you, that you would be there for me whenever I need you. Well, I'm here now; I need you more than ever. Yesterday, I saw _him_ walk free, uncharged of destroying my life. But yet you're out celebrating with her. The whole name _"Guildford"_ is venom. Everything in my life they touch and spoil, like spiteful children breaking all my favourite toys.

_And where are you now, _

_Now that I need you?_

_Tears on my pillow, _

_Wherever you go,_

_I'll cry me a river, _

_That leads to your ocean,_

_You never see me fall apart._

Well, I hope you're enjoying yourself, now that I've been completely broken by them. Now that they've stolen everything that was ever important to me in my life. The rite to be free, to love whoever I want and to be whoever I want. They've turned me into an ugly, bitter rag-doll, tossed around by their cruel deceit and lies. I'm lying on my bed right now, there used to be a time you used to sit next to me, stroking my hair and telling me that everything would be alright, that life would turn out okay. That I was the innocent one in all this and that monster would rot in jail for what he did. Look how the world revolves, Luke. Nothing is ever that simple, no matter how you build up your lies and your towers of defence; they all come crashing down, one by one. The other side is always stronger than your own.

So where are you tonight? Tonight when I need you the most. Out with them, laughing at my misery. I've cried one million tears today; I'm surprised I haven't flooded the flat. Like that time I almost flooded it, when I drank that bottle of vodka and collapsed. That was because of her aswell. Maybe if I cry enough, I can sail away to a better world, one without your spiteful and twisted being. Maybe it'll drown me.

_In the words of a broken heart,_

_It's just emotion that's taken me over,_

_Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,_

This is irrational, I know. If you could hear me speaking right now, you would ask, where's my old Bex gone? Why is she speaking like this bitter, twisted hag? Where is the happy go lucky Bex? Well, she left, walked out the front door when Pete raped me in my hallway. I can't even face that spot anymore. I sat there for days after, just scrubbing the spot where it had happened, dementia nearly taking over me. I felt like that Lady Macbeth that Shakespeare wrote about. She felt so dirty, she could see the blood even though it had been washed away. I could see Pete wherever I looked. The wood panels spelt out his name and his 'essence' was spilt all over the floor. It mocked me, daring me to place a foot into the place where it happened.

Normal, happy go lucky Bex has gone and sorrow has replaced her. My soul has gone, I feel nothing except pain. Go on, you roll your eyes at me. But it's true. I'm a shadow, living an unworthy existence.

_But if you don't come back,_

_Come home to me, darling,_

_Don't you know there's, _

_Nobody left in this world to hold me tight?_

_Don't you know there's,_

_Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?_

_Goodnight, goodnight._

There's no-one left for me anymore. Nobody cares. I could move back to Birmingham, but what would be the point in that, apart from having to explain to my family exactly what happened. Then they would just be ashamed of me, their innocent little girl become so slutty that she let a guy use her and abuse her, because that's what you've done. Oh, sure they'll be sympathetic about the rape, they'll give me hugs and make me warm cups of hot chocolate with little marshmallows on them, exactly how I liked them when I was 5. My mother wouldn't let me out of her sight and my dad would threaten to beat up any guy that dared to look at me twice in _that_ manner again. But they would scorn me, for letting you play your little hero act on me, for using me to make yourself feel good about your waste of a life. It's exactly the same thing you did to Kate. You took her in "under your wings" and tried to look after her, all to make yourself better for apparently killing her husband. Even though it wasn't your fault, you still felt it. You needed to channel your anger, so you blamed yourself.

Maybe that's you all over though; maybe it's in the job description. After all you're the one who's there, picking up the pieces of everyone's broken life, there to patch up the hurts and the cuts. You do the scoop and run when there's been an explosion and you even rescue people from burning buildings. Maybe you just crave the attention of being the hero? But you've hardly ever been there to save me. Where were you, when I needed someone to rescue me when the lorry drove into the building? Where are you now?

_I'm there at your side,_

_I'm part of all the things you are,_

_But you've got a part of someone else,_

_You've got to find your shining star._

And I was there for you through all that; I took you out, patched up your fears and made you feel good about yourself. I believed again, that we would get back together then. We went speed dating and found out that the qualities we both looked for in a date could be found in each other. We slept together that night, it was the most explosive thing I have ever experienced but you dampened my fireworks by saying it was a mistake. Then you kissed Claire and again she spoilt everything that could have happened between us. I wish I had ripped out more than just a few strands of her hair when we fought.

_And where are you now, _

_Now that I need you?_

_Tears on my pillow,_

_Wherever you go,_

_I'll cry me a river,_

_That leads to your ocean,_

_You never see me fall apart._

And still I'm asking myself, where are you. Should I bother to pick up my phone and dial your number? What's the point when you're only out with her? So instead I send you a text message. My hands scramble for my phone as my body shivers in anticipation. Or is it just because the central heating hasn't been turned on for weeks and I'm laying here in a baggy t-shirt and your pyjama bottoms? Remember these? You used to give them to me when football called for you to go away somewhere; they used to remind me of you. They've lost your smell now, but the feel of them on my legs soothe me. My numb thumbs try to type out the message to you, but they don't seem to want to work as well as they usually do. I glance at my phone, reading what I've written. "ghey, lujke, wherews arey ouy ruigh now, I neded domeone ot speakh to!" As incomprehensible as it is, it feels drunken and desperate. I throw my phone at the wall, watching it as it breaks into tiny little pieces. It's a bit like the hope of us ever getting back together!

_In the words of a broken heart,_

_It's just emotion that's taken me over,_

_Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,_

_But if you don't come back,_

_Come home to me, darling,_

_Don't you know there's,_

_Nobody left in this world to hold me tight?_

_Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?_

_Goodnight, goodnight._

I'm currently resting with my back against the hallway wall, not in that spot, god no, miles away from it. How could I bare to sit there? I came down this way so that I could check to see if I had anything to eat. I feel weak; all this crying has wasted away my blood sugar levels, though my tears were more salty. I had to drag myself down here, almost crawling. I feel so weak now; I could just give in and let the angels take me. Well, that's where I hope I'm headed. I only have one thing to make myself get there a bit quicker. Vodka. The cure and cause of all of the world's problems, you said to me once. Well, up yours Luke. I don't care anymore. I feel weak; my heart is barely beating, frozen by all the pain I've suffered, all the mistrust, lies and back-stabbing. It'll be all over soon.

_And where are you now, _

_Now that I need you?_

_Tears on my pillow,_

_Wherever you go._

_I'll cry me a river,_

_That leads to your ocean,_

_You never see me fall apart._

Where's my white knight now? When will you come and rescue me this time? Maybe that's it. Your last chance and you're not here and guess what, you'll loose me forever. I would write a note, but why waste my dying energy. Things are getting hazy as I pick myself up and stagger into the living room. I might aswell make myself comfortable. Maybe I should prepare my words, ready for purgatory. Maybe if I plead with St. John, he'll let me through those pearly gates. I really don't fancy rotting in hell.

_In the words of a broken heart,_

_It's just emotion that's taken me over,_

_Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul,_

_But if you don't come back,_

_Come home to me, darling,_

_Nobody left in this world to hold me tight?_

_Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight?_

In my haze, I can hear the phone ringing slightly. Maybe it's just the alcohol or the fact I'm going into hypo. I glance over at the phone, sat on my hallway table. It's flashing. I fall off the sofa, stumbling to reach it, grasping out for it just as I hear it ring off and my answering machine click on. I lie across the hallway, my feet curled under me, loosing consciousness. I don't want to die, I've made a mistake, now it's come to the cut and the angels are waiting for me. I lie in misery, fading in and out of consciousness, when I hear your voice. "Bex! It's Luke, please pick up the phone, I've been trying to ring you since the court case yesterday. Please...I'm scared about you...Right, I'm coming over now…Just don't do anything stupid…I…I…I love you!" My heart slowly picks up speed; your voice has given me courage to live once more. I lie here, waiting for you, clinging to the last thread of life. Please hurry up.

_Goodnight, goodnight!_


End file.
